I’m reading this book about domestic abuse and it’s making me so angry. I am so sick of feeling like nobody wants me and that nobody ever will. I have been blessed with a loving family and some pretty amazing friends, but I want somebody to love me. I keep twisting my interactions with Andrew to see what I want to see, when he has told me point blank, whether he remembers or not, that he only wants to be my friend. Erik never wants to hang out sober and won’t talk to me unless he is going to meet up with me at some sort of drinking establishment. I need to stop romanticizing all of this and get on with it. I am graduating soon and none of this will mean anything. The problem is that I want it to. I want it to so damn bad and I wish more than anything that I could brush it off like I don’t care, but I can’t. And I just feel stupid talking about it to people. My heart is pounding as I’m writing this and my mouth and throat are dry. My forehead is wrinkled up as if I’m thinking super hard. It’s as if I am watching myself. Thank God I have discovered that writing helps as an outlet. I feel guilty talking about this to Alisa because I know she feels the same way I do, if not worse, and I would do anything to keep her from feeling bad about herself. Then Ashley I do fully trust, but sometimes I have trouble relating to her because she has found somebody who genuinely loves her. I can tell my mom these things, but she only reassures me in exactly the way I expect her to, saying all the things moms are supposed to and not being convincing in the least. I’m scared and nervous and tense all the time. I think I became sick because I haven’t been sleeping and I’ve been drinking a ton. My school work is slipping like crazy too. I am capable of being something great but I feel like I have hit some sort of ceiling. I just keep wanting to ram into it until it breaks, but of course it never will…or so it feels like. I have so many walls of my own built up that it’s hard to let people in. I can’t cry in front of anyone unless I am obscenely drunk. Sometimes I can’t even cry when it’s just me unless I try super hard by thinking about my grandparents. I don’t let things bother me or if I sense I’m caring too much about something, I try to distance myself. That’s what I’m doing with Andrew. I’ve sensed that it’s over and now I’m shutting myself off to him, pretending that I don’t have a care in the world. Maybe I just need to tell him how I feel. Ugh, that would probably just weird him out and push him further away. The fact remains that he and I need to talk…or rather I need desperately to talk to him and get some sort of closure. I want to know cut and dry what is going on or not going on. It’s too late tonight to talk to him, but perhaps I’ll try to get him to walk with me somewhere tomorrow night. It would be so nice just to talk just me and him out in the warm spring air, no history, no distractions. Just sit on a park bench somewhere with his arm around me, whether it means anything or not, and me try not to hold back any emotions. If I want to cry, I need to just let it happen. I don’t need to be together all the time. It’s hurting me more than the humiliation of crying would. Good God it’s so strange. The thought of me smiling right now is so far off I can hardly imagine it. I just flipped over to glance at facebook and my event that I created not more than an hour ago popped up with my overexcited use of exclamation marks and sarcasm. It’s all just a cover up. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am a fun-loving SOB haha. But so much of the time I laugh and go out and get dressed up just to keep myself from feeling anything bad. Ugh, I hate that word bad. I mean I don’t want to feel tossed out, alone, unnecessary, incapable, or used or anything else that could stem from that line of thought.

I also want to talk about something I haven’t considered before. Whenever somebody uses the word “rape” it seriously bothers me. Seriously. Like way more than anybody else. I am taking a literature class right now that is focusing on trauma and the psychological factors that follow and it is deeply affecting me. I have always taken scenes of rape and jokes about it very seriously. I mean, it is a very serious thing, but I feel like I react to it much more strongly than most. My face flushes red and my head gets all fuzzy. I can’t think. It’s very similar to the dropping sensation I get in my stomach whenever I see a guy that things haven’t worked out with, except in my head only. I have been wondering for quite some time now if something happened to me that I just forced myself to forget about. I am very withdrawn when it comes to my feelings, I get super angry and protective whenever any of my friends mentions problems with guys, but yet I seem pretty susceptible to being played myself. I really don’t think that anything like that has happened. However, I do believe a source of this was finding out when I was still very young that my mom was raped at age 12, by her next door neighbor no less. I can’t even imagine. And then the horror and shock of telling her parents about it and their reactions being nothing more than “what were you wearing?” God, I can’t even fathom how scared and alone and used and abused and hopeless my mom must have felt. And having to live next door to the bastard afterward and see his face every day or at the very least every week, knowing he is just 30 feet away. I bet she felt much the same way I feel now, except about 10 times worse, maybe even a hundred or thousands times worse. It didn’t even happen to me and here I am crying my eyes out over it. She has even told me there’s not a day that goes by that she doesn’t think about the guy who did it. I wonder if she’s ever told anyone about it. Besides me, I mean. Wow. That is definitely not what I expected to get out of this writing.

In any case, I keep telling myself that all these idiots who lead me to believe something that isn’t true and then don’t recognize what they have is just going to make me appreciate somebody super awesome all the more when I find them. But what if I am forever destined to appreciate the other person more than he or she is going to appreciate me? I am still so young and I just need to be patient. Things could be so much worse for me and I need to be thankful for what I’ve got. I am thankful for what I’ve got. I’ll probably never be thankful enough, but that’s just human nature, I’m afraid. Nobody ever seems to know what they have until it’s gone…

UGHHHHH!!!! i am trying to think of a way to convey just how ridiculously frustrated and stressed and just all around shitty i feel without sounding like a spoiled little valley girl. i feel so underappreciated. there is nobody on this effing earth who appreciates me for who i am. i am one of the smartest people i know (call me arrogant, i don't give a shit) and yet i keep fucking up my life. i have procrastinated getting my grad applications together for far too long and now i fear it is too late. i don't study nearly as much as i should and so my grades do not come even close to reflecting my true abilities. for goodness sake i scored in the top 25% of everyone who took the GRE, which is likely only the top 20% of the undergraduate population. i'm so lost and confused. i know what i want but i feel like something is holding me back. and that's not just in school/career, but in relationships as well. i'm not nearly as close with ashley as i once was. granted, i've become closer with alisa and laura lately and thank god for them. it just sucks because it's just another sign that nothing is forever as far as i'm concerned. what if i do by some miracle get accepted to auburn? am i REALLY going to keep in contact with everyone from here for FIVE YEARS?? i'm sure i will at first, but soon enough the contacts will dwindle on both ends and i'll be completely alone yet again.

and then every guy i'm interested in is interested for the first 2 weeks and then tells me i'm just a friend. regardless of what i do or say or how i act or how much i open up or hold back, it's two weeks. of course, that is not to discredit Dustin. why on earth could i not date him? i hate myself so much for not being able to see him that way. he would have been the most amazing boyfriend on the planet. he would've treated me like a princess and we would've had the most random and ridiculous conversations ever and nearly always have fun. ugh. i guess there's a reason i didn't see him like that just like nobody else sees me that way. keith is not the one either. i do see him that way and i know he likes me as well, but he's being an idiot about it. he calls me every few days or so, but i haven't seen him since the very beginning of the year. if he can't even take an hour out to get lunch or something with me, how much could he possibly like me? i am so close to just throwing in the cards exactly as i've had to do with every other guy i've ever gotten involved with. it just sucks so bad because i keep trying and i keep seeing potential everywhere and every time i think i've found something good it turns out the person doesn't give a damn about me in the end. everyone leaves. and i just don't understand because i know i'm a good person! not just a good person, but a fun, caring, innovative, smart person. i keep telling myself "sarah, you are leaving for grad school in just 5 months so its pointless anyways" but WHAT IF I DON'T GET IN??? or what if i get stuck at UC for grad school?? the more i think about it the more i think that i do not want to stay here at all. i've been second guessing even my career path in the last week. However, i think all that is a defense mechanism because i'm so terrified i'm not going to get in. i have absolutely no clue what i'm going to do if grad school doesn't work out and that's terrifying!!! i am scared out of my wits and i'm so lonely and nobody would understand even if i could talk to someone about it all and it's weighing on me SO BADLY!! Meanwhile i'm almost out of money and i still have all these application fees to pay, not to mention sorority dues, and rent is coming up. how did i let it get this bad? i told myself that i would have all my apps done before break was over and here i am, two weeks before the deadline, freaking the fuck out.

(sigh) but i can't keep thinking like this. i just need to keep it together these next two weeks and take it from there. finish the grad apps. they ARE almost done. well, the important ones anyways. i'm terrified for how i'm going to do on my physics exam on friday. that class takes up almost a third of my credit hours so i HAVE to do well. between grades and sorority and dudes and grad apps and family insanity i am about ready to break. i think once all my grad apps are in i will have a nervous breakdown. really. i am teetering on the brink of utter insanity. and i don't feel like anyone understands. or the people that do understand would just tell me they're going through the same thing and bladdy blah. i just want somebody to tell me it's going to be ok. i KNOW it's going to be ok, but i want somebody else to believe in me too. i'm sick of always having to be my sole supporter. i want somebody who isn't obligated to believe in me to tell me they know i can do it. family doesn't count. they have to believe it so they have some hope for their own futures.

i know i don't suck and that's really all that keeps me going. if i had self esteem issues, i would be toast. the only good thought that spurs me on is that nobody realizes what a good thing they're missing out on. it just wears on you after awhile you know? really. i'm so alone...

Good gracious…everyone needs me…ALL the time. Laura calls me to tell me about some little problem at work. Mom and Dad both need me to talk to about all their life troubles and how unhappy they are. Matt needs me to straighten out his freaking life. I like being needed, don’t get me wrong, but who am I supposed to turn to when I have a problem?? I feel like nobody I tell anything to listens or understands. I don’t want sympathy. Of course, that raises the question of “what do I want?” I want somebody to tell me it’s going to be ok. Reassure me that I’m strong and can handle anything and that they believe in me. THAT is what I want. From friends, family, significant other, everyone. I need somebody who understands me. I need someone who would think to tie ribbons on my rosebush that didn’t blossom to make it look like flowers were on it. Does that kind of love even exist anymore in our thoughtless self-centered world? It didn’t hit me until tonight, but thinking about it, I really don’t think Keith’s that guy. He doesn’t seem thoughtful or romantic in the slightest and while I’m definitely no sap, I do want something real. He was dependable until recently, but of course the circumstances are rather odd. I’m just kind of dumb I suppose. I think too much haha. Everything goes well until I start thinking about it. I just need to remember that I was good before him and I’m good now and I’ll be good if he decides to walk out of my life. I ask myself sometimes why me? Why am I the one who gets my heart broken time after time, getting my hopes up totally to get them thrown in my face? Again, the answer hit me. It’s because I can take it. If I couldn’t handle this, it wouldn’t happen to me. And all this rubbish (I love that word haha) is just going to make me appreciate a good thing all the much more. Surely everyone has these kinds of thoughts of what if it doesn’t happen to me? At least I’m smart enough not to waste time being stuck in a relationship I hate like so many people I know. I know one thing; I will never just settle. I won’t do anything unless I’m sure. And I don’t mean logical stop and think this through how will this effect my life sure. I mean holy crap I have no idea how I know but I just know spontaneous out of the blue sure. It’s happened to me before, and I’m quite certain it will again.

(pause)

Ugh…life is absolutely ridiculous and I can’t think right now because a certain someone is sitting here grilling me about my life. Guess what? If you haven’t noticed by now I don’t have a plan! What’s the point? Everything I’ve planned up to this point has gone bad anyways. Thinking ahead can only get you so far and I’ve found it can actually impede you in several ways. This is my last year of college and no matter WHAT bullshit happens, I’m going to make it awesome.

still laptopless

last night i got to chill out with laura and allison and let me just say it was freaking awesome. it was just the three of us, but we were laughing and being ridiculous and just having a fantastically drama free time. it helps a lot just to have people to laugh with when you're feeling down on life, ya know?

anyways after the night ended, i was having serious trouble getting to sleep because i still hadn't heard from keith yet. i went all day today with this uneasy feeling because of it too. however he finally decided to talk to me as he is sitting on the plane about to take off. talk about shitty. he said sorry for not being able to hang out and he'd make it up when he got back, like he'd only be gone a week or so. i was just like sure keep in touch. pretty uncharacteristic of me since all my text messages generally have exclamation marks, haha's, and/or winkie faces, which he picked up on. He was all like 'your pissed...either way if you wanna talk to me do it over facebook don't text or call cuz it'll be ultra expensive.' duh. im not an idiot. he sent me like two more thingys after that and i didn't respond until later. made him sweat a bit.

(sigh) i keep telling myself as i have from the very beginning that none of this matters because he's gone. GONE gone. i won't see him until christmas, if even then. in the meantime i have my life to sort out. Will has apparently convinced stratford to offer me a whopping 20% off rent. that's fantastic but it only cuts rent down to 5 or 6 hundred a month which is way out of my price range. maybe i could still move in with chandler and his crew. or perhaps one of the KD's needs a roommate. or i could bite the bullet and commute. god that sounds so awful. i think my best option is to apply for inactive status from KD, removing my obligations there not to mention free up 300 or so dollars, take stratford up on their best offer, and try to get my job at filltek back. or a call center around clifton would be good i suppose. maybe i should look into that...

maybe indeed...

yeah okay so i haven't written on here in forever but that is because i do not feel the need to post my life story for the world to see anymore haha. However, i now am laptopless so this is pretty much my only option.

so CA fell through and i JUST got the news this morning. yeah, so i have all of 2 weeks to find housing that i wasn't counting on having to pay forin the first place. PLUS its my senior year and i live like 45 minutes away so commuting would be the ultimate bitch, especially with traffic. I emailed will and he siad he's "working on other alternatives as we speak" so hopefully something will present itself.
(sigh) it seems like nothing i've attempted lately has been going right. keith seems to have forgotten about me...surprise, surprise. how many times have we heard this story? sarah meets a boy though she swears she's given u p, he's cute so she gives him a chance. Things are great for 2-4 weeks depending and all of a sudden he wants to have sex and i say no and that's that. i never hear from him again. i mean...don't get me wrong i'm one horny ass chica but sex just isn't worth it with someone i don't care about that i'm sure cares about me too. if that bothers someone and weirds him out then his loss i guess, but it doesn't suck any less. i just wish for ONCE i could meet someone who didn't care if we had sex or not...at least not for awhile. good god 2-4 weeks isn't long enough at all, especially if youve only hung out once or twice each week. and they can never just take the no...they just keep pushing and pressuring you so you feel like a piece of shit for "teasing" and "leading them on". if i'm not sure about something i won't do it bottom line. sorry if i don't just go around fucking whatever will have me like you probably have done up until now. i have plenty more to offer than sex...although that is not to discredit my amazing sexual prowess hahaha. i give a pretty wicked blow job i'm told hahaha. TMI, i know haha. whew, i just made myself laugh, which lets me know everything is going to be okay. when i can't laugh at myself anymore, that's when i'll be finished. till that day comes, which i doubt it ever will, i will be absolutely fine. in fact, fine won't cut it. i'm going to be fabulous because i've got friends who love me and however insensitive they are to my situation, they always try to help and THAT my friends, is what REALLY matters.

so i 'll leave his number in my phone and he'll stay my friend on facebook, because i won't let him get to me. there are far more worthwhile things in life to waste time worrying about than some douche bag.

So I’ve kind of had a lot on my mind lately and I’m somewhat sad I haven’t been able to commit it to writing yet. I got the news yesterday that I got a D in zoology, which means the likelihood of me making grades is very slim if not nonexistent. I honestly don’t believe that I can survive another quarter of being on bad standing with KD. Of course, I won’t be living in the house which might make it better. I’ve found a really awesome place to live with Chandler and company, but it’s rather expensive and I’m nervous. However, it’s much cheaper and sweeter than KD was so I really shouldn’t be too worried. The only problem is that Andrew will be living in the house with me and we will undoubtedly bang on accident or on purpose at least once. Another complication is Dustin. He’ll be over all the time primarily to see me and partially to see his big brother, Chandler of course. Good god I haven’t told this story yet. Alright, so at Sigma Nu’s formal, which was ultra fun by the way, I had a lot of whiskey and was simply running around the really crappy party making jokes and being my lively little self, not expecting anything eventful to happen. Well, we all know Sarah Smith can’t attend a formal without something monumental happening. In any case, Sarah Mac and Chandler were commenting the whole night about how cute Dustin is/was and it was really quite amusing. Then, Sarah Mac came up to me and asked if we had anything going on because she was thinking about going for him. My first thought was we don’t have anything going on…but I will not be okay with it if you do that!!! So, as a drunk person, I decided this was a big deal and insisted upon speaking with Dustin ASAP. We finally met on the seventh floor where we were sure to be alone and undisturbed and I basically told him that I had changed my mind and wanted to give things with him a shot. And truly, for the next few days I believed this was the case. However, I now realize that I have made a horrible mistake. I cannot stand the thought of kissing him, even when drunk now. He calls/texts me all day every day and I don’t like it. I mean, I know it’s only because he cares about me a lot, maybe even loves me, but I don’t think I’m in any condition to deal with that. See, my logic is telling me “holy shit this boy has loved you unconditionally since you met him 2 years ago. He’s dealt with all my crappy guy bullshit, my rejection, and still remained a pretty loyal friend helping me with anything I needed.” So WHY can I not reciprocate it? Am I really only capable of being attracted to guys who treat me like shit since things with Drew happened? I still remember when I saw Drew for the first time, I wasn’t attracted to him at all; it was his personality that got me hooked. Ashley told me she thought he was ugly haha. I thought he was gorgeous at the time lol. Of course that’s changed. And that’s another thing; I’m starting to figure that no matter how hot a guy is when I get with him, in 10 years he’s going to be just as fat and wrinkly as the next guy. Personality should be the primary thing I look at. However, I’m also seeing things a little clearer than I used to I think. I’m noticing that when I’m with Dustin, I dominate the conversation and he pretty much just agrees with everything I say. It’s an ego trip to be sure, but it’s not a challenge. He’s not aggressive enough. I need someone feisty enough to keep up with my wild side and thirst for adventure and variety. Gosh, and last night while playing beer pong at Sigma Nu, I had to pee in the downstairs bathroom and I couldn’t stop flashbacks of following Andrew in there and him picking me up and slamming me around against the wall and on the sink and basically everywhere in there. Good god now that’s what I call attraction. I can’t imagine Dustin ever doing anything like that. The passion’s not there. And I am a girl that’s all about passion; not holding back; sincerity, whether intended or not. Even now I can feel my heart rate picking up and I’m typing more vigorously than before just thinking about it. I don’t honestly think I know anyone right now that can meet those needs. Not anyone available that is. Maybe Andrew and his girlfriend will break up over the summer and we’ll miraculously be roommates haha. Who knows what will happen? I’m just terrified that nothing will happen and I’ll graduate missing something. Yeah, I rather doubt it myself ;).

I don’t understand how for the longest time I had absolutely no potentials at all…not for real anyways. And now that I’ve met someone I actually think I might really like all these other guys, both new and old, are coming to me wanting to hang out. I don’t really know what to do because I don’t really know what Dominic is thinking about the whole us thing and it’s really too soon to be having serious talks about it. We’re both so damn busy! I don’t know if I need to show him that I actually like him still and should call him or if I should see if he’ll make the next move to call me. Not gonna lie, I waited for him to call me about the date auction thing and he DID buy me for like 60 bucks. Not to mention he fronted me money to buy him, which brings the total to like 80 bucks. Maybe I should show some initiative…


I don’t really know what I’m worrying about. It’s going really well the way it is and we always have fun together. That’s all that matters, right? I wouldn’t have heard from him all week after our first date if I hadn’t called him that week. Yeah alright I’ll call him tomorrow night sometime…I’ve got plans like all weekend anyways so I couldn’t do anything unless it was Friday during the day…which I would truly be alright with ;)

Meanwhile there’s this Seth guy who is apparently interested in me as well and I’m not gonna lie, he’s pretty cute lol. However, I like Dominic A LOT so I really don’t think I’m going to do anything to jeopardize that. Besides, what would I think if Dominic randomly came up on facebook with all these pictures tagged of him with different girls? I would probably be not happy. Plus, I was freaking out about girls writing on his wall when there’s like 72 guys writing on mine. Not to mention one of them was blatantly asking me out haha. Yeah, I gotta trust my instincts and those things have been telling me not to fuck this up or let it get away. I’m a fighter AND a lover, bitches!

wow...this is i think one of the craziest things i've ever written. please don't think i'm nuts. i don't know where this came from!

An angel in your presence,
I can do no wrong
A kiss goodnight, the door closes.
As I fall into deep sleep, the demon in me awakens;
A snake uncoiling from my stomach,
Urging my voice to speak in a voice not my own,
Releasing toxins into my veins
Until the essence of my being is anger and hate,
Bubbling until my very blood boils.
An ailment such as this has only one cure;
To plunge into the clear river of your arms.
The gentle trickling ripples calm through my body,
Baptizing me into a state of absolute bliss.
Exorcise the serpent that would have me lie in ruins
That I can spread my angel wings,
But surely not to fly away.
My only desire is to gently float downstream,
Catching the current, the cool liquid engulfing my skin
Splashing over every curve, tickling and teasing,
Until I’m dumped on the sand.
An agonizing scream rips through the air as my wings curl into my back,
Slashing into muscle, but spilling no blood.
I lie helpless till the tide returns…

It’s ok to have days like this, right? Where even though nothing’s really going wrong, you feel like you’re at the bottom of your game and everything’s about to fall apart. I got upset for no reason whatsoever over facebook this afternoon. Luckily, I know myself well enough to know that writing things out generally helps me to gain perspective and I quickly laughed at myself and dismissed my feelings of foreboding. Thank goodness. It’s so strange. Everything I think seems to feel the opposite of reality. Like…I keep thinking there’s no way Dominic and I will ever be able to get together cuz it’s just way too good to happen for real, but when everything is taken at face value, it seems pretty plausible. I just can’t believe it. And I feel like I’m doing pretty well in school, but I’m really only doing about average haha. Hopefully I’ll make grades. Eh, don’t really care lol. Well, that’s a lie, but whatev.
So back to the Dominic thing…

I like him a lot. I think about him all the time and every time I say mmhmm or walk up the stairs or eat macaroni it reminds me of him. I walk around campus half expecting to run into him or something. I mean, the signs he likes me are there, but I don’t know if he’s ready for a relationship or anything. He brings up his ex girlfriend from time to time and I know they dated for awhile and broke up last October or so. Just yesterday or today he took down a bunch of pictures of them. I guess that’s a step, but that means one thing: he’s still taking steps to get over her. Meanwhile, she’s got a boyfriend and has pictures that are disgustingly cute posted all over the place. I think I should bring it up if he talks about her again. I mean, it’s not like I don’t know what he’s going through. I was devastated for months when Drew and I broke up. I guess that’s the best mode of action. If he’s gonna want me for a relationship he’s gotta be able to talk to me, right? More importantly, I’ve gotta be able to talk to him as well. Perhaps if I don’t hear from him by Thursday I’ll call him just to say hi. I just have to remember that the label doesn’t matter. I have a blast with him and he does with me as well. I’ve gotta be a friend before I can be a girlfriend. If he’s dating other girls (which I really don’t think he is) hopefully I’m the best out of all of them. Maybe he’s over his ex and maybe it’ll take some time. Either way I’m just going to keep on doing what I’ve been doing all quarter: whatever I feel like.

I mean, I’ve demonstrated a lot of growing up this quarter I think. I’ve stopped my “need” for random hooking up. I’m a little less self-conscious, though I think I’ve got a ways to go. I’m learning more and more every day. Oh, speaking of that I wanted to talk a little about the getting old thing. I’ve realized that throughout your teenage years you keep expecting something to click or change or something and all of a sudden you will feel different or something. However, I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen lol. Sure, you learn lessons along the way, but the you inside stays the same. I’m going to feel like this forever I think and I really like that idea.

yeah i don't really feel like writing, but i definitely don't feel like doing homework so writing it is.

i announced my council resignation tonight. as you may know, it's been plaguing me for awhile, but i finally did it. i was scared of the consequences; you know, the drama. people talking shit about me, wondering why i really did it, and me wondering if i'll ever be trusted with responsibility again. i'd still like to be involved in KD, just not on council as secretary anymore. oh well, i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. but what got me is when i said i was stepping down, no one seemed to really care. only lauren showed any kind of reaction and that was anger/frustration. eh well, what do i expect, right? it's girls.

you know what i'm noticing? i've grown up quite a bit. yeah the little kid in me comes out now and then, perhaps a lot, but it's not in a bad way anymore. i've finally figured out how to make decisions for myself and while i do still weigh how my decisions will affect others, i generally have been doing what's best for me lately. stepping down was really the right way to go, though. now i won't have to stress about people's perception of the job i'm doing and i'll have free sunday nights.

hopefully from here on out i'll be able to focus on school better and maybe work my job a little more. not to mention i'll be OUT OF THE HOUSE next year, which will be fantastic, not to mention cheaper and less drama filled...hopefully lol. this will also give me time to get involved in things i'd actually want to do, like service projects and rho gamma and such. you know, thinking about it that way kind of makes my feeling of foreboding lessen and excitement perk up. i'm really happy with my decision and everyone will move on to a different hot topic like next week. i don't know what i'm so worried about. if i lose any friends over this, they were never my friends in the first place...

that's one thing i am afraid of. ashley's been really distant lately and hanging out with a new crowd which doesn't leave much time for me. i shouldn't be worried cuz we're like best friends for life, but if i lose her, like i kinda lost laura and kyle and clay awhile back, i'll be like devastated. oh well, nothing bad's happened yet so no sense worrying, right?

Alrighty so I finally worked up the balls to call Dominic on Wednesday. We talked for about half an hour and he basically informed me he was busy all weekend long. Damn. I was kind of disappointed haha.

THEN...the next day he called me and asked if i wanted to hang out friday after class lol. apparently his story wasn't straight. it was just supposed to be an afternoon thing, but it turned into an all day/night thing and he skipped whatever his original plan was. we pretty much just hung out in various places, went out to dinner, you know whatev. i won't bore you with the details.

i really really like being with him. it doesn't matter if we're doing anything. its one of those things where you can just sit somewhere and be entertained the entire time. there's all kinds of cute little stuff we do already and it was only our second time going out. liiikkkeeee he is constantly doing the mmhmm thing i do cuz he's pretty much obsessed with it for some reason. we always race each other down the stairs haha. every time there's a door he like jumps out in front of me and is like "hey let me get that for you" that exact phrase every time. I don't know it's weird; you have to be there i suppose lol. and apparently we are both perverted because once i made the first perverted joke, it was like a volcano of perverted jokes erupted cuz we kept making them over and over about pretty much everything. oh, and he likes to dance and he's horrible at it haha.

i duno...this doesn't really sound like a whole lot on paper to you probably if you aren't me. i feel like our personalities compliment each other though. like he doesn't care what ANYBODY thinks out in public, he just wants to do his own thing, which i wish i could do more of. however, he's really kind of self conscious and puts himself down sometimes without realizing it, something i am not afraid to call him out on. he's hilarious and athletic and im creative and artistic. we're both science majors and dorks to the extreme haha. i duno...it's like we have just enough in common to have a ton to talk about and just enough completely opposite to keep things interesting...possibly for a long time. i don't want to say anything about the future because i'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up too much.

the only problems i foresee at the moment are that he commutes from 45 minutes away and boys aren't allowed in my house really, so we will never get to hang out alone even to just watch a movie or something. the second is he's an engineer and he co-ops in toledo in fall and spring. i really don't think the second is much of an issue and i'd be alright with that. however, the first problem is definitely going to get frustrating haha. i was already feeling that last night lol.

ugh, i don't know, but for now it's going better than i would've imagined and so that's definitely something. i know i like him a lot and again, i can't wait to see him again. i can only hope it stays like this...

AHHHHHH!!!!

SOOOO...

remember how i re-met that Dominic guy at the swiss chalet house a few weeks back? hmmmm well we went on our first date last night and holy crap...it was AMAZING! i kid you not...AMAZING! it kind of takes a lot for me to say that lol.

so i got off work and told him i would call him when i got home, but i decided to shower first in case he lived close by. good thing too because i called him after i got dressed and he said he'd call me when he got here. literally not more than 2 minutes later he arrived and i basically had to sprint out of the house hoping to god i looked alright. i got into his car and he had scooby doo floormats and a mirror thing. of course, i'm instantly like making fun of him haha. he asks me if im hungry and i said my usual "sure." since i can never express for real. ugh. in any case i said yes and then he asks where i'd like to go. naturally i said wherever was fine. so he busts out with "alright, well i made reservations at mitchell's in newport for 7:45, if that's ok." my jaw mentally dropped to the floor like "holy shit that place is expensive!" but of course on the outside i was just like ok sounds like a plan! AHHHHH!!! so we get there and we're about a half hour early so we just walked around for a bit. it was a little awkward at first, since we didn't really know each other, but it was ok actually. he is so cute and quirky and weird kind of like i am! sometimes he'll talk (and he's italian so he talks with his hands a lot...so cute) and he'll be telling a story and completely forget what his original point was. it's hilarious! anyways so we get to dinner and i'd say about a quarter of the way through i felt like i had known him a looonnnggg time. i was being (gasp) myself and talking about stuff as it really was instead of sugar coating or leaving some details out. then of course i asked stuff about him and it turns out that he was a baseball pitcher and a drummer in the band. maybe you don't know this, but this has happened to me like 6 or 7 times that i've met a guy who has done both those things. odd. so yeah he's apparently pretty close with his family...i mean, he's italian duh! ahh! so afterward we were going to see a movie, but there was still a lot of time left so we went out and walked the purple people bridge and talked for a really long time. apparently he thought stuff i was doing was cute too cuz he kept imitating me. like my little mmmhmmm thing i do way more than i thought i did...he was obsessed with that. and the word "indubitably" impressed him haha. im also pretty sure my inability to make decisions was cute to him as well. i got better by the end of the night cuz i had loosened up a bit. apparently we have the same favorite bands, etc. yeah this was the first time i was asked what kind of music i listen to and i answered truthfully. oh and he asked me what my favorite movie was and i couldn't tell him, but i eventually listed off a few and he liked moulin rouge and of course all the hilarious movies. he doesn't like scary movies though ,which is a bummer, but that's a-ok haha. the whole night i was just thinking about that one song by relient k "the best thing"..."and when i looked into your eyes, and you dared to stare right back, you should have said 'nice to meet you, i'm your other half'" that is so corny but i don't care haha. and we spent a bunch of time just coming up with hypothetical scenarios that would be randomly funny and cracked up forever.
alright so after dinner he drove me back to stratford circle and he was like so now what? so i said well i don't know, but i do not want to go home yet lol. so he called up his cousin (of which i think he might have 628282 cousins) and we went over to his house (he's a pike). we ended up playing beer pong with jay and mike, but we used green tea instead of beer haha. i've never met a guy who likes tea before! as we all know, i'm pretty much obsessed with tea. we lost, but that was ok.
well mike decided he was starving and that he needed to go to taco bell, so we all get up and dom and i were under the impression that we were taking his car, but apparently they wanted to take mike's car, which was blocked in by a neighbor. so mike and jay went over there and basically demanded that he move his car and he got all pissed off picking a fight and such. i thought something bad was going to happen and then dom went in to break it up. i was kind of worried, but nothing happened. so we get back from taco bell and begin to watch random movies on TVO or whatever. mike passed out. we turned on the patriot, which i always forget is morbid and disgusting haha. but yeah then jay left for a minute and dom and i started cuddling. i think i make him nervous haha, cuz i just propped my legs up on his lap, like i always do when im watching a movie with someone and he became stiff as a board. his body, that is, not...other things, you perve haha. then jay passed out and he tickled me a bit and we held hands (which i usually hate to do, but in this case was pretty much ecstatic it happened :)) and then we started making out a little. not excessively, but just enough for me to be like holy crap i can't breathe haha. no really. the kiss like left me breathless, which i don't think has ever happened before. it was amazing. and then we watched more blood and guts and i like buried my head in his shoulder everytime something gross happened. it was just really ridiculously disgustingly but still awesomely adorable. then he said something about getting going, so i agreed and then he tickled me some more and we started making out again. AH! good lord. i swear...i've never felt so at home with someone so quickly before! so we FINALLY left at around 4:30 AM and he was like crap man...i gotta wake up at 8. he totally needed to go home at like 12 and he stayed with me for an extra 4 and a half hours!! so i gave him a kiss goodnight and then went home...

as for what happens next, i have no idea. honestly, it seems too good to be true, but at the same time, i think this could be the start of something freaking awesome. only time will tell, but i cannot wait to see him again!!!

Alright so this was my birthday weekend (the big day’s not till Tuesday) and this has probably been the best I’ve ever had. Friday night wasn’t all that great but I did get drunk for free and Andrew and I talked a few things over. Nothing really got resolved, but I at least said everything I felt and yelled at him to my heart’s content and made him feel like a shithead. He deserved it. No need to remember particulars; only that I made him feel like an asshole. So yeah, got drunk and ended up at Pike, where Joe and Andy got into a fight on the floor which was pretty funny. I ended up leaving them a note on a napkin in their living room haha. The next day I got up and had lunch with madre. Then we went shopping and I got two of the cutest dresses ever for like 40 bucks total. One’s bright green and the other is deep orange. I can’t decide for the life of me which one to wear to Phi Delt’s formal. It really boils down to whether I want to keep it classy or be freaking sexy instead. Either would be good, but which is better? I’ll get to that in a minute. So then at 8 o clock it’s time for Phi Bash, which is a philanthropy at a bar with a band and yeah. Great fun. I got there right when it started and offered my assistance to the band. After throwing a few back, I was just kind of talking to whoever I could. I intentionally ran into the drummer (Chris) on accident a couple times and he ended up giving me his hat. At first, that would have been awesome, because he was super hot and I totally would have stayed with him. However, this is Phi Delt we’re talking about and I must stay classy at least somewhat when it comes to them. Basically, I lived up to my philosophy that I wanted to and made him want me and had the power to resist. That power was not entirely from within though haha. Sometime over the course of the evening, it started to seem like Matt Inkrott might be developing a crush one me. He hung out with me toward the end of the night at the bar for awhile. We picked some songs together and I told him how much I do not like country and walked home together. Once we got there, I made him play rock band, which he had never played before. He was really good at it! Oh, and flashback…on Thursday he was getting ready to wash all the dishes in the kitchen because no one else had and so I offered my assistance. That also turned out to be a whole lot of fun. So…we’ve hung out twice kind of on accident in the past few days and it’s been really fun every time. There’s a catch of course. Anna dated/still might like him. If I start hanging out with him, she might get really upset. Haha, what am I saying? Nothing’s going to happen. Nothing ever works out when it comes to me. I don’t want to worry about it really. But yeah, so I can’t decide if I would rather look ultra sexy or if I’d like to take the classy route. I’m really thinking classy might be the way to go, since I don’t intend to do anything with my date, Matt prefers classy ladies (his interest perked up when I said something about not understanding how people drink to inebriation), and I think Lee might get more jealous if I’m getting attention and not really trying. Besides, the green dress should be reserved for our formal, don’t you think? But maybe I should represent the greenness at their formal lol. Oh well I have 3 weeks to decide. Either one will be fabulous for the luau party Deger and I are throwing ;)

Yeah so i wrote about all these prospects i had and haha low and behold...they are still only prospects haha. I haven't really done anything about that, of course. I've pretty much just been hangin out and going with the flow. My grades are really good and I actually got that lab job I interviewed for. I have A's in everything except...philosophy hahaha. Yeah, A's in organic chemistry and cell structure, but philosophy I just can't cut it. I think if i keep doing well in everything else and keep doing semi-ok in philosophy i'll drop it anyway. I HAVE A SHOT AT A 4.0 THIS QUARTER! It won't happen but really, how did I get a 42% in 201 and now have nearly a 100% in 202? My first midterm is tomorrow and I think it's going to be pretty easy.
Yeah, as for KD and such...let's keep this lowkey, but i LOATHE being secretary. i've only been in my office a week and i already want to quit haha. i pretty much went from being a head honcho to being everyone's bitch haha. i don't like it. actually most of our chapter is pissing me off lately. i love KD itself, just not the people haha. really, the only people i can stand right now are ashley of course, laura, alisa, katie (most of the time), erica, and a few other people i don't talk to that often. i think stepping down from council might be a good idea. i think about it every day. i don't wanna be a douche, but i really just am not passionate about it and what's the point of wasting my time with something i don't really want to do? i've done a ton for this chapter and i will continue to, but it can be in other ways. like getting good grades, going to public events, wearing letters every day, maybe picking up an appointed position or two. I have no passion for this lol.

But yeah...i have 5 areas...family, friends, KD, grades, and job and right now everything except KD and boys is going well. And even the boy situation isn't that bad. I'm pretty sure there's plenty of guys around that want me, I just don't pay attention. In any case it really doesn't matter at this point. I don't have much time to spare. Ok, that's a lie haha. I think people just say that, myself included. If I met some amazing guy, I would MAKE time. Amazing guys are hard to come by, so really I don't plan on being in a relationship anytime soon. I keep meeting new guys though, which makes things interesting.

All in all, not everything in life is going to go great at the same time. If it was, we wouldn't develop our problem solving skills haha.

We'll see what happens i guess, but i definitely need to start studying now haha.

(sigh) so I am totally completely 100% really happy right now. Yeah, and I do NOT have a man or any promising prospects. Really, I’m so excited and content with life, content with being ME and working for what I’ve decided to do with my life. Now, of course, that doesn’t mean I’m out of the game. There are definitely a few cuties I’ve got my eye on. Last weekend I met Derek from Lambda Chi, who is super tall, really cute, and he plays guitar hero on a regular basis. Me gusta. The next night I re-met Dominic, the guy from King’s Island that nearly broke my hand when his balls got squished by Tomb Raider lol. But he’s Italian and that is NEVER a good thing! I know for a fact he’s a total ladies man and I definitely do not want to get caught up in something certain to blow up in my face. However, I ran into him today in the library and he wants to hang out on Sunday! AH! And THEN, last night I went over to Delt with Anna and met this guy named Phil, who is in my Cell Structure class. He’s really smart I think and has a gorgeous smile, not to mention he’s the VP of Delt. So we’ve got a really cute goofball, a gorgeous Italian Casanova, and finally this adorable genius who is in my major. Lord only knows who else I’ll meet haha. Oh, and I get to go see Wicked again on February 3 and Phi Delt’s formal (which Lee is going to be at PS) is on the 23rd.
Today I had an interview at the Cancer Cell Biology Lab and I think it went really well. I won’t know if I got it until next week, but I did the best job I could I believe. If nothing else I think I showed I really want it. Really, I’m like bursting with happiness and excitement. All I can hope is that it continues to be this good, even though I know it won’t. I am finally happy. I’m not sitting here wanting stuff I can’t have. Yeah, a boyfriend would be nice, a lot of money would be nice, but I am perfectly alright with how things are for right now. All I really want is to get a good GPA this quarter. Oh, and I would love to see Anna initiated into KD. Those are my two goals. We’ll see how it goes ;)

Gosh I feel like such an idiot sometimes, because it seems the simplest of lessons about life take me for ever to catch on to. Haha, no worries though, I’ll get it soon enough. I’m finally figuring out that I really do just need to forget about what everyone else thinks about and just freaking live life how I wanna! I’m a crazy adventurous little bundle of awesome and how often to I get to show it? Well, hopefully more now. I read over a whole bunch of stuff I wrote back in high school and sure, I didn’t have many friends, but I was freakin hilarious and I was MYSELF. I thoroughly enjoyed every day of my life. Stuff sucked sometimes, but I rolled with it and even managed to crack a couple laughs out of it. I want to live the rest of my life that way. I feel like if I’m fine with everything I’m doing, maybe, just maybe, everything else will fall into place.
Miss Ashley Andes is probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I get so mad about stuff sometimes, a trait I certainly inherited from my dad haha, but she is always just cool about everything. If it weren’t for her my adventurous side probably wouldn’t be half of what it is now. Laura of course has played a role in that as well. Dude, we used to be the shit freshman year. Yeah, before I changed my major, joined a sorority, and life got complicated. Don’t get me wrong, I love both things, but I question how much I really want to “get involved on campus” anymore. I bet I could have just as much fun if not more if I just stuck to the same group of friends that has always made me happy and didn’t worry so much about social standings and breakups and cheating and awards and numbers and AH! I’ve got enough to worry about with Cell Biology and Organic Chemistry! Two goals for this quarter: get at least a 3.0 and work out a decent amount. Oh, and goal for Spring quarter is to do God and Goddess and actually place this year haha. Well, screw placing. I love to perform and as long as I do a freaking sweet job I can be proud of, it shouldn’t matter if it’s good enough for anybody else. I’m a good singer and it’s something I’ve always been passionate about, so I need to freaking do something about it! Too bad my throat is sore 50 percent of the time during Winter haha. It’s so funny, whenever I get sick, my first thought is damn it! I can’t sing now!! Maybe I’ll make a cameo at my church and sing something fantastic. Be like “yeah, bitches, how you like me now?”
Tomorrow night is New Year’s and I’m really not sure what I want to do. My original plan was to go to church and see if my grade school friends are there, but now I think about it, they probably won’t be. Except for Mark. I wanna go! I’m supposed to go out with a few of my sisters and the ATO’s or something, but I think I’d rather go do that instead. Alright, it’s settled. That’s what I’m going to do. If nothing else, it’ll be a blast from the past. It’ll be good to get in touch with my roots again.

I[‘m going to write this not because I feel like I have to, but because I really don’t want to forget the events of the other night. This is one of those stories to tell the grandkids haha. So me and Ash drove all the way up to Columbus by OSU to go to our friend Mark’s birthday party. We basically knew no one there but him and our other friend Tommy, who I used to kind of sort of but not really date. In any case, it was real awkward at first, but I immediately saw that there were a whole lot of really cute guys there and not that many girls haha. This kid comes right up to me (Kyle is his name), and tells me to finish my beer completely. I told him no haha. But he continued to flit in and out my conversations with various people. I followed Ashley around for a bit and we proceeded to play drinking games like Circle of Death, Kings, etc. We attempted to play poker with David (another cutie) and Kyle, but it didn’t really work out. Then Tommy showed up. Actually a lot of the point of me going to this party was to try to hook up with Tommy again so I could get pictures of it haha. That didn’t happen lol. So I started flirting with Tommy, though trying not to give him too much attention so as to discourage Kyle from pursuing me. We played some game called three man and it was dumb, but whatev. Hmmm…yeah at some point Ashley and I decided to play beer pong, and she decided to go after cutie number 3, Tim. We lost, but barely. Somehow I ended up going upstairs with David and Kyle to play guitar hero. Oh, and side note, David and Kyle both knew Anna, my little, and we thought it was really weird haha. Anyways, so yeah, I beat both of them by a lot at guitar hero and it was actually kind of funny. In any case, for some reason I decided to go downstairs for something (I had lost track of Ashley at this point) and I walked toward the kitchen. Haha as I’m walking past the entry way to the living room, I stumbled upon the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life; Ashley curled up with Tommy on the couch, both passed out, but lips pressed together. I laughed hysterically and took pictures, for which I intend to blackmail Tommy, since Tommy’s roommate used to date Ashley and it didn’t exactly end well haha. Again somehow I ended up back upstairs with Kyle, David, and Emily now. It came time to discuss sleeping arrangements and when someone brought up who would get the bed David was just like “that would be Sarah and Kyle.” I was certainly okay with it haha. Kyle is soooo cute! And lord knows I came to have a good time because I had a bunch of crap to get over. It worked! I never really expect to see him again, but it seemed like he liked me a little at least. He wasn’t really the best kisser, really gentle, but whatev, I had fun. We cuddled all night till around 5 in the morning haha. Then around 9 in the morning Ashley comes up and wakes me up like “we have to go.” I had no idea where I was haha. In any case, Kyle made me give him a goodbye kiss and told us to drive safely, but I didn’t get a chance to give him my number! Dammit, right? I asked him if I would ever see him again and he told me he would come down to UC sometimes and something else but I don’t remember. UGH! Oh well, either way that night served it’s purpose and that is letting me know that everything will be okay. Dudes are useless pieces of shit even though they are fun, I don’t NEED one. Sure, if a good one came along, I’d reconsider, but until then I am perfectly okay with being single and meeting new people and just playing the freaking game the way it’s supposed to be played in college. Now that I finally know all the rules, it should be a bit easier. Ah well, I’m so excited for school to start up again and I have plenty of other stuff to think about without worrying about whether I’m gonna see some dude who lives an hour north of me again haha. It’s fun to think about though! Wicked’s in like a week or two and initiation and elections are that week too! Nothing like starting up the quarter with a bang, right? Oh, and can’t forget SAC interviews! AHHHHH I hope I get in! If I don’t it won’t be the end of the world of course. I’ll have more time on Wednesdays to study, since I’ll have labs due on Thursdays every week! Oh gosh…here we go!

So I’m discovering that I fucking hate men of all sorts and ages. No mas. From now on I’m doin my own thing. Fuck what all of them want. They aren’t getting anything. I don’t want a man anymore. I don’t wanna be in love and all that cute lovey dovey shit can sit on the backburner. I’m going to lead all of them on and give them nothing. They can all suck it. I am spending every single night in my bed at KD with my little. I have to leave this area for grad school anyway. Every decision I’ve made for a guy has bit me in the ass. I gotta see what would happen if I lived for me and only me. I’d go out more and have a freaking amazing time. I’m going to Columbus tomorrow to party with my girl Ashley and it’s going to be a blast. Totally random, a road trip, and tons of drunken festivities. Then for New Year’s I’m going to church to find out what on earth my grade school buddies have been up to all this time. Hopefully Bethany, Andrea, and Mark will all be there. It would be so sweet if we all ended up partying at the same place. Then again there’s always west Clifton and I’ve gotta stop by Sigma Nu sometime this weekend to get my present, whatever that might be.
I’m too busy doing shit to have time to dedicate to a whiny, needy little brat who’s going to complain every time I go out with my girls and bake cookies for the Phi Delts. Phi Delts are now the only boys who are getting my undivided attention. Everyone else is going to have to beg and plead to get my affections.
No more caring what the fuck anybody else thinks. I’ll have my close group of friends, namely Ashley, but that’s it. Everyone else is going to be kept at a distance.I’m going to be nothing but determined from here on out. Disappointed and frustrated will no longer be words in my vocabulary. To get where you want to go requires sacrifice and that is just what I’m going to do. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. So I will for now!

All those people who tell you that you’re not open enough with them and don’t tell them enough about yourself should be avoided at all costs. They only say that shit so they can convince you to let them in far enough so that they have the power to hurt you. And hurt you they will and they won’t think anything of it. There are precious few people on this tiny little planet that you can trust and I am convinced I know next to none. A heart can’t be broken if it’s laying in pieces. I’d rather be a heart breaker than walk around heart broken all the time. Call me a tease, I’ll take it as a compliment. I made you want me and had the power to say no. Fuck you all. So long and good night bitches.

I wasn't really intending to write anything tonight, but though this was spur of the moment, I had fun writing this. It's actually not at all about what it's about, which is why I like it so much haha.

Univeral Barriers

"Slow Down, Construction Ahead 500 ft"
Traffic's moving slowly
Hope you're not in a hurry,
Cuz you're going nowhere fast.
Blast that radio louder;
Maybe it'll drown out your frustration
Cop lights flashing,
Wonder what's the fascination?
Blue, red, blue, red
And then the nausea sets in
"Careful! My Daddy Works here"
Did a four year old really publish that sign?
Brake check!
Swerve to the right, scrape the side
Another near crash and burn.
Nothing but pride holding me back
Smashing those barriers,
Driving by, knocking those orange cones out of the way,
Flying past the miles of nameless people;
Lined up to get where they go every day
Those flashing lights appear behind me.
My foot suddenly gets heavy
"End Construction".

Alrighty so from the above it is obvious that I had a bit of a bad day haha. However, things seem to be getting better. I have solidified my plans for the coming year and I am pretty happy with them. I am going to run for president and secretary. That way, if I don’t get prez, I can still be a Rho Gamma and so, I’d be happy with that. Also, I have had my first week as the active sweetheart of Phi Delta Theta, which I am convinced is one of the most unique and amazing chapters on this campus. They have brotherhood unlike any I’ve seen so far, not to mention dedication and drive. I am so proud to represent them and be a part of it and I can only hope I won’t let them down. I think I’ve done a pretty good job so far though! I helped facilitate them at our pledge dinner, I brought a bunch of spectators to the football game and will bring more on Tuesday, I helped with their philanthropy for four hours, and helped one of the drunk pledges sober up a bit. All in a week’s work, I guess haha.
Today was really what I needed. I have three littles! Anna, Katie, and Erica. I worry about that girl so much. But Katie and Erica I’m thrilled about! I wouldn’t have predicted either of them. Today was the new member retreat and basically it was cool to see everyone just hanging out and eating, not doing anything in particular but still having a great time. Afterward, we went to the Bearcat Bash to watch the Order of Omega tapping. Luckily, the Phi Delts were there, so I brought our girls over to talk to them.
Mostly, I’m just trying to do what I’ve known I should’ve been doing all along: what I want. I’ve finally learned not to let guys dictate what I do and don’t do. All I need to do to be satisfied is do whatever I think is the funnest option at the time and I will have no regrets. I’m still having the time of my life and hopefully I won’t have a bad week like this one was. I don’t know what my problem was. I really was just a bitch this whole week. Eh meh, I sorted it all out.